Headfuckers: a Precautionary Tale

Headfuckers are people, places or experiences that mess with your mind. That’s it. The name gives the game away – they are bad news. As a one-off (this is invariably the place or experience variety), they can provide you with a ‘WTF?’ moment and a story to tell your friends. Trust me, this is the best case scenario.

For experiences or places, most times the choice is yours – if, in a perverse way, you enjoy a headfuck, well then you can revisit at your leisure/ pleasure. There are, of course, exceptions to this – such as the workplace, where choice is limited by economic necessity. I have worked in these places, I know. After a while, it is easier to accept headfucking as the norm. That is, until it starts to affect your relationships and life outside work.

People are tricky headfuckers. If you have a gut reaction to someone that says ‘stay the hell away!’ go with it, it works. Whether you’re attracted to that person for friendship or sex, it won’t end well and the path to the end won’t be that much fun, either. Remember, you will never get back those days of your life that they have wasted. Ever. Sitting around waiting for someone to turn up, to give you a straight answer, to respond to your text or email, to call you when they said they would? Don’t. Life’s too short. There are people out there you could be having a good time with now. Yes, you know them – the ones who’ll not let you down, the ones who’ll not give you mixed messages, the ones who’ll not just lurk on Facebook. They do exist.

Maybe, just maybe, you go back to the headfuck because you’re giving them the benefit of the doubt (‘Everyone else says they’re a good person – must be me, let’s try again’). Seriously, don’t waste your time (that’s the headfucker’s job). Go with your instincts and get out with your self-respect intact, not in tatters. If you doubt your instincts (why?), ask yourself: ‘Would I be ashamed to treat another person this way?’ Chances are (unless you’re a headfucker, too) the answer will be ‘Yes’. Get the fuck away from them. Now.

If you find the headfucker sexually attractive and hold out hope for some action this, too, is a waste of your time. These people are all about themselves. The most you can hope for is that you are helping them to jerk off (in whatever miserable way they see fit) – and surely that’s not the best you can have, even if times are lean. It may even be that they are sexually dysfunctional, given that their mind is such a mess. Certainly, you won’t get any satisfaction from a headfucker (though they may well do so, at your expense).

So, what precautions can you take? Here are some simple ones:
1. Maintain your self-esteem (no-one needs to set the bar this low).
2. Trust your instincts. Bad feeling? Keep a distance physically and online.
3. Keep a supply of good chocolate to hand (not candy bars)
4. Keep good friends close. The ones who tell it like it is and who make you laugh out loud.
5. Take B vitamins and/ or eat Marmite daily.
6. Stay busy.
7. Exercise – mentally and physically.
8. Get enough sleep.

Look after yourself, you’re worth it.


Being Stalked

I am, this week, marking my second month stalker-free. This, by the way, doesn’t mean there’s a vacancy to fill. It does mean that the space I had for breathing easy has now been returned to me. The stalking itself lasted eight months, but its impact will stick around longer than that.

My stalker was someone I knew, but with whom I never socialised, who suddenly wanted to take on a ‘protective friend’ role as I was going abroad. He had my email and phone contact details from others and added me on Facebook – sending messages to ask how I was. He apologised for not being friendlier when we lived in the same town and said he wished he’d taken the time to get to know me then. I believed he was simply socially inept and accepted his apologies.

I now know I should have kept the distance I’d maintained before. Although I was thousands of miles away – on another continent – it soon became apparent he wanted to get closer and closer. He became more and more demanding. I ceased any contact. He infected my email, my Facebook account, my LinkedIn account, my cell phone, my postal address (to which he sent a photo of me with a note scrawled on the back). In fact, he infected all the ways I had of keeping in touch with friends and family far away.

The first person I told asked what I’d done to encourage him. Wrong. If you’re stalked it is not about what you’ve done, it is about who you are. The second person I told said I was a strong person, so I should get over it. Wrong again. You don’t need to be in tears to be hurting. I waited and waited for it to stop – the contact wasn’t daily or even weekly, but it started to make me fearful when I opened my email, or switched on my phone. I’d blocked him on Facebook, couldn’t do it on LinkedIn. He was using other people’s phone numbers and other people’s email addresses to keep getting through. By February, I’d had enough and came off Facebook and LinkedIn altogether.

The messages always came in pairs – so, I learned to wait for the second one. The first would be almost conciliatory and rational, along the lines of ‘well, if you don’t want to keep in touch that’s your choice’. The second would (put politely) describe me as up myself; asking what was wrong with me and why on earth I didn’t want to be with him. I knew I had to tackle the issue, but still hoped it would just go away. The final straw came one night when I was on my own, and had two phone calls, two messages, two texts. I was physically sick.

I lawyered-up – a great guy in the City of London who told me clearly and concisely that a crime had been committed and advised me of my options. What I decided to do in the end, with the help, support and love of friends, may have worked. I live in hope.


A Healthy Relationship



A New Ride

The train for ‘The Benefit of the Doubt’ has reached its destination. We are now at the end of the line. All change. On leaving the train, please make sure to take your common sense with you. We’d like to take this opportunity to thank you for travelling with us today. Have a safe onward journey to Broad Views.